Empowering Families After A Divorce
by Michele Sherman, M.A., MFT
There are many reasons to take children for individual and/or family therapy during or after a divorce. As a therapist with fifteen years of experience working with adults, children and adolescents, I’ve found that the separation of divorce, along with the negative feelings and multiple losses, need to be processed for families to heal and work through issues. Children thrive after a divorce when their needs are being prioritized and maintained. Ex-spouses provide a much healthier environment for their children when they maintain an attitude of neutrality in communicating and interacting with each other. Working out conflicts, managing feelings of frustration, and making necessary changes by being open and flexible provides the internal structure and safety your child needs to grow, develop, and prosper. Here are some pitfalls I have found working with families that come into my practice.
Spousal Bashing
During a separation and/or divorce the negotiating of schedules, visitation, child support, etc., can often lead to disappointment. These chronic let downs may lead to spousal bashing. Often times, the parent who is doing “everything right” — being consistent and following through — is frustrated with their ex-spouse’s lack of follow-through, and voices their frustrations. Often, your children see this as perpetuating and/or creating the family negative conflict. Children get confused when they are put in the middle of their parent’s arguments and feel like they have to choose sides. Try and keep in mind that the bond a child has with each parent is important. They benefit from spending time with both of you. Your ex-spouse may get their life together and be able to parent better in the future.
Ex-spouse’s Lifestyle
Often times a parent will voice concern about their ex-spouse’s new lifestyle or how they spend time with the children. It’s extremely hard to let go of your own concerns, but how your ex-spouse chooses to spend time with them is not a means of endangerment. You will feel more at ease if you can try and let go of your expectations and think about how your activities and time spent with your children are your own unique contributions. Let your ex-spouse do the same. Many children and teenagers are able to adapt in their different environments in constructive ways. The ability to adjust and adapt to changes builds character and resilience in young people.
Who’s the Better Parent?
Many teens confide to me, during office visits, that they dread any social and/or school related activities when both their parents attend, “I feel like they compete for my attention, and whoever wins is the better parent”. This takes the focus off your child’s successes and accomplishments. Try and arrange your schedules in advance so that your child and/teenager can share time with both of you. This fosters healthy self-esteem, interaction and independence.
About the author: Michele Sherman, MFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has been a practicing psychotherapist for the past fifteen years. She received her Master’s Degree from Ryokan College in Los Angeles, and her Bachelor’s Degree from the California Institute of Integral Studies, in San Francisco. In her private practice, Michele works with individuals, adolescents and families. Her specialties include working with adolescents and adults with emotional disorders, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, trauma, eating disorders, and various relationship issues. micheleshermanmft.com
