How to Tame Tantrums

Calm a child overwhelmed by anger by using these key phrases and actions:

By Michael H. Popkin, author of Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children Without Breaking Their Spirits.

Whether or not the tantrum is part of a power struggle with you, the child will still be aware of how you respond to his tantrum. As the late psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs once observed, people do not lose their temper, they use their temper. Your child’s show of anger is bringing about some desired payoff.

This payoff may be internal: the “letting off steam” phenomenon that may help reduce the chemical buildup that has resulted from intense frustration. Although these hurricane like expressions of anger eventually blow themselves out, they often do damage to people, property, and relationships in their way. Plus, the spirited child at the eye of the storm is in turmoil. Parents understandably want to do something to intervene, but what they do can make future tantrums either more or less likely.

When you either fight or give in during a tantrum, you may inadvertently create a secondary, external payoff that produces more tantrums down the road. When you get angry and fight with your child during a tantrum, you give her power over your emotions, a major payoff to a powerful child or teen. When you give in to unreasonable demands or overprotect and pamper her in an attempt to solve the problem, you also create a payoff that makes future tantrums likely.

Your best bet is to stay calm, cool, and collected. Either offer help in cooling down your child or take your sails out of his wind for a brief period of time so that he does not have an audience to perform for.

1. When the child has a tantrum, for whatever reason, say something like, “You are overheated. Let’s cool down first, then we can work on a solution.”
2. Ask your child: “Would you like some help cooling down, or would you like to cool down on your own?”
3. If he continues crying, either say: “OK, I’ll let you have some time alone to cool down. Let me know when you are back in control, and we’ll talk about the problem some more.” Then give him some space, but stay close by. Or, go straight to step 5.
4. If he follows you, say, “I guess you want some help cooling off. Let’s take some deep breaths together.”If he doesn’t follow you and cools down, go back in and say, “You did a good job cooling yourself down. What did you do that worked?”
5. If he continues crying, come back in five to ten minutes and say, “You are really overheated. It looks like you could use some help cooling off this time. Let’s take some deep breaths together.” If he screams louder and gets angrier, say, “OK, I guess you don’t want my help right now. Let me know if you do.” Then leave and come back again in five minutes to offer again, “Are you ready to cool off and talk about the problem? What can I do to help you cool off?” Suggest things that have worked in the past. For example:

• “How about a hug?”
• “A glass of water?”
• “Some deep breathing?”
• “Could you use a bath?”
• “Can you think of something else that might work?”
• “What else could you do?”
• “Do you want to hit the pillow some?” (Using a pillow for a punching bag is a good way for some kids to express their anger nondestructively.)
• “How about some time in your special cool place?”

Another strategy that sometimes works is to find a way to engage the child’s cerebral cortex—his thinking brain. During a tantrum, all of the brain energy has been rustled to the brain’s emotional centers. Finding a way to “trick” the energy back to the rational brain can reset the balance. This technique is a bit risky and can easily backfire, getting your child even angrier, so be on guard and back off if you see negative results. However, it does work sometimes, and asking your child a question that requires some thought is one way to do this. For example: “I know you are angry right now.

• “Let’s try counting slowly to ten.” (Or counting slowly to twenty by twos.)
  Or . . .
• “Do you remember what we are planning to do this weekend?”
• “How many days before Saturday?”
  Or . . .
• “If your anger were fire, how hot would it be right now?”
• “If you could put a big cube of ice on that fire to cool you down, how big an ice cube would you need?”
  Or . . .
• “What color is your stove right now?”
• “How hot is your thermometer right now?”
• Can you make it just a little bit cooler?

Some kids can also be jostled out of their emotional state with humor. Others will become even more upset by your attempts to be funny and consider it disrespectful, so be careful. If they respond with more anger, apologize and back off.

For younger kids, you might try buying a stuffed animal or a funny­ sounding animal and hiding it somewhere in the house. Then, when your child has a tantrum, ask, “I know you are upset right now, but maybe it would help if you could tell me where the unicorn is hiding? Could you help me look for him?” If he bites, then the two of you can go on a unicorn hunt, and it will be impossible for him to stay angry. Then the next time he gets angry, you have a new metaphor for helping him cool down: “Boy, you are really having a hard time cooling down. Maybe we need to go on another unicorn hunt. What do you think? I wonder where he is hiding this time?”

For an older child, you might try turning his anger into a humorous compliment. For example, “You know, if you could harness the energy that you are expending right now, I bet you could throw a baseball one hundred miles an hour.” Or try a straight compliment: “I know you are feeling really angry right now, but I have to admire the amount of determination you have.”

Notice that through all of these suggestions, you are neither fighting nor giving in. Your role is that of a concerned helper who wants to see her child learn to self­soothe to cool himself down when he gets emotionally overheated, and to solve problems and handle frustrations effectively. But what if nothing works? Sometimes a spirited child is so caught up in his emotions that nothing you do or say will calm him down. This is why prevention is so important. However, when he is over the top, and you cannot find a way to help, you may have to say gently, “Well, nothing I can do seems to be helping, but I know you will cool down when you are ready. Let me know when you want to talk.” Make sure that he is in a safe place, then leave the room or go about your own business, giving him little attention. Sometimes all we can do is to remove ourselves as an audience and let kids calm down on their own.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Michael Popkin, Ph.D.,author of Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children Without Breaking Their Spirits (Copyright © 2007 by Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D.), is the founder and president of Active Parenting Publishers, helping millions of parents to develop cooperation, responsibility, and courage in their children. Dr. Popkin lives in Atlanta, Georgia, with his family. To find out more, please visit his website at www.activeparenting.com.