The Loss That is Motherhood

by Robin Starkey Harpster, MA MFT

One of my favorite parts of the week is in facilitating my therapy groups for new and expectant mothers. It is such a joy and honor to be witness and support to women navigating their way through the maze that is motherhood. There is the usual and expected anticipation and excitement mixed with the anxiety and upheaval that all too often happens when one goes from woman to mother.

Of the topics we cover in my groups, there are varying flavors and issues that tend to come up repeatedly. Often women experience some trauma or disappointment related to the unexpected outcome of birth and delivery. There is the uncertainty and fear that can come from the responsibility of taking care of a tiny human, alone, every day, all the time. Trying to fill the day and also realizing the day is filled with more than they think they can handle.  The intensity of emotions new moms feel – both positive and negative. Or often the scary realization that bonding is slower than expected. It is all hard it seems, and none of it feels very fun.

But what I find is a regular undercurrent that drives many of our discussions is the realization of all that is lost in becoming a mother. There is the loss of personhood and personal space, the loss of couple-hood, the loss of freedom, of confidence in career and identity, the loss of time, sleep and of course, the loss of that idealized body before baby. The woman, and life, that was there before conception no longer exists. And that is sad, difficult to accept and even more challenging to speak about out loud.

Unfortunately our society spends a lot of time heralding the benefits, or potential gains of motherhood. And it can, and often does include so much joy.  A new unique and precious human is being ushered into life. The strength that transition and transformation requires is truly a beautiful thing. But what happens when the joy can’t be felt because of an overwhelming sense of disappointment or fear? I find many women feel stuck and powerless, petrified to move forward because this “mom thing just isn’t working out for me.”

Renowned perinatal mental health expert, Dr. Diana Lynn-Barnes once gave me a light bulb moment when it comes to this often-paralyzing feeling. She compares the transition to motherhood to other life losses. We go through many losses in our lives, some more devastating than others. The loss of a loved one feels much different than the loss we feel when graduating from high school. But all these transitions include the loss as well as the gain. And losses, well they need to be grieved.

In the Grief Recovery Model (John W. James and Russell Friedman) grief is defined as a mixture of conflicting feelings in response to a loss. When graduating from college one often feels pride and excitement for what is next, but also sadness and fear about what is to come and what no longer is. When a loved one dies there is devastating sadness, but sometimes there is also perhaps some relief that the person is no longer suffering (if they were ill for example). Healing comes when we are able to go from feeling emotionally incomplete to complete. It’s a moving through and not so much a getting over. This is the light bulb moment for me. Of course, motherhood is a major, all consuming, transitional loss. One where truly moving through happens once we acknowledge it as such and allow ourselves to experience and honor each conflicting emotion.

In my groups and in my work with individual women and couples, this talk of loss is not only part of the transition after baby is born. But is an important part of the preparation for parenthood as well. Couples can allow themselves some space to truly honor their unique partnership before they become parents. Women can honor their bodies and the amazing transformation they and their bodies are capable of.  Then maybe the loss in the transition isn’t quite as devastating and if it is, maybe they’ve had some time to consider a “grief” plan. Ways to honor and accept the conflicting feelings that come from a loss like this.

It’s a balancing act then. Allowing ourselves to explore all sides of the coin: the joy and the fear, the pride and the shame, the beauty and the pain, the excitement and the trepidation. For it is only through the exploration and making our way through the tough stuff, do we find ourselves on the other side of motherhood. A place where uncertainty and loss still exist, but where confidence and hopefully a bit of personhood are able to return, in a new fully transformed she.

Robin Starkey Harpster, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC 41937) and Coordinator for the New and Young Families Program at the Institute for Girls’ Development in Pasadena and Sherman Oaks, CA. Robin and her team bring a unique embodied and mindful approach to individual, group, couple and family psychotherapy and workshops for women, children and families. Robin is the current Secretary for the Board of Directors of Postpartum Support International and the Coordinator for the San Gabriel Valley Chapter of The Motherhood Consortium. Follow Robin on facebook or twitter.

Originally Published in Macaroni Kid Pasadena May 2012
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